Funny Puns

This is the funniest collection of funny puns, enjoy!


The person who invented the door knock won the No-bell prize.


Q: What do you call the security outside of a Samsung Store? A: Guardians of the Galaxy.

I’d tell you a chemistry joke but I know I wouldn’t get a reaction.

I wasn’t originally going to get a brain transplant, but then I changed my mind.

How did I escape Iraq? Iran.

When I get naked in the bathroom, the shower usually gets turned on.

There was a cat with 16 lives.
A 4×4 (jeep) ran it over,
And the cat died.

If Apple made a car, would it have Windows?

Why was Cinderella thrown off the basketball team? She ran away from the ball.

I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. It’s impossible to put down.

I can’t believe I got fired from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off.

I have a few jokes about unemployed people but it doesn’t matter none of them work.

Did you hear about the guy who got hit in the head with a can of soda? He was lucky it was a soft drink.

Don’t spell part backwards. It’s a trap.

I’m glad I know sign language, it’s pretty handy.

A friend of mine tried to annoy me with bird puns, but I soon realized that toucan play at that game.

A courtroom artist was arrested today for an unknown reason… details are sketchy.

I am on a seafood diet. Every time I see food, I eat it.

Thieves had broken into my house and stolen everything except my soap, shower gel, towels and deodorant. Dirty Bastards.

eBay is so useless. I tried to look up lighters and all they had was 13,749 matches.

I relish the fact that you’ve mustard the strength to ketchup to me.

Thieves had broken into my house and stolen everything except my soap, shower gel, towels and deodorant. Dirty Bastards.

I couldn’t work out how to fasten my seatbelt. Then it clicked.

I can’t believe I got fired from the calendar factory.
All I did was take a day off.

Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth, then it just becomes a soap opera.

What do you call an academically successful slice of bread? An honor roll.

Did you hear about the Italian chef with a terminal illness? He pastaway.

I’m no photographer, but I can picture us together.

I wanna make a joke about sodium, but Na..

I hate insects puns, they really bug me.

What was Forrest Gump’s email password? “1forrest1”

What do you call Watson when Sherlock isn’t around? Holmeless.

My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned: couldn’t concentrate.

I’m taking part in a stair climbing competition. Guess I better step up my game.

A book just fell on my head. I’ve only got myshelf to blame.

To the guy who invented Zero:
Thanks for nothing!

It’s not that the man didn’t know how to juggle, he just didn’t have the balls to do it.

I have a few jokes about unemployed people
But it doesn’t matter none of them work

How does Moses make his tea?Hebrews it.

What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus? Claustrophobic

I am so poor I can’t even pay attention.

I was going to give him a nasty look, but he already had one.

Q: What did one ocean say to the other ocean? A: Nothing, they just waved.

How can you spot the blind guy at the nudist colony? It’s not hard.

My math teacher called me average. How mean!

Why did the bee get married? Because he found his honey.

Why don’t cannibals eat clowns? They taste funny.

What do prisoners use to call each other? Cell phones.

Having sex in an elevator is wrong on so many levels.

There are plenty of fish in the sea but until I catch one I’m just stuck here holding my rod…

I bought a pair of shoes from a drug dealer; I don’t know what he laced them with, but I was tripping all day.

I went to Premature Ejaculators Anonymous but nobody was there.
I guess I came too soon.

Why did the jelly bean go to university?
He wanted to be a smartie! Kick ass if you get it! 🙂

 

20 Things to do Before You Die – Funny Puns

1) Look at see through glass and when someone is on the other side shout “OH MY GOD, I’M HIDEOUS!”
2) Bring a big chair into the elevator facing away from the door and when someone walks in, dramatically turn and say ‘we’ve been expecting you.’
3) Walk up to someone, hand them a potato, look them in the eyes and deadpan ‘with great power, comes great responsibility.’ Walk away.
4) Call someone to tell them you can’t talk right now.
5) Point at someone and shout “You’re one of them!” Run and pretend to trip. Crawl away slowly.
6) Buy a donut and complain that there’s a hole in it.
7) Put Mayonnaise in a bowl, freeze it, and tell your friend it’s ice cream.
8) Put up a “Lost Dog” poster with a picture of a cat on it.
9) In a public toilet, pass a note under the door next to you saying, “They’re onto us. We need to go.”
10) Walk up to a random person and say, “Wow! You’ve changed, I still have your picture from five years ago.” And hold up a picture of potato.
11) Call McDonalds asking for directions to Burger King.
12) Order a pizza 5 minutes before New Years, and when it comes, yell, “I ORDERED THIS THING A YEAR AGO!
13) Bring a desk on an elevator. When people try to get on ask if they have an appointment.
14) Go to an electronic store with a banana and say that you want to upgrade to an apple.
15) Call Pizza Hut and ask for the phone number to Domino’s.
16) Hide a walk talkie in a bush and scare people that walk by.
17) Get on a crowded elevator with a bag in your hands, sigh and say “darn my snake got loose again”.
18) When someone asks you if you know what time it is, say yes and walk away.
19) Dress up as a duck and throw bread at people and say,”HOW DO YOU LIKE IT?!! HUH?!!!!
20) Go to a pet shop, point at an employee, and shout “I WANT THAT ONE MOMMY!!!”

Hope you enjoyed our funny puns collection.

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