Best Puns

Here is the best puns ever

What did the bra say to the hat? You go on ahead while I give these two a lift!

We cannoli do so much. His legacy will become a pizza history.

Why did the hipster burn his tongue? Because he ate his food before it was cool.

What did the hurricane say to the coconut palm tree? Hold on to your nuts, this is no
ordinary blow job!

Police Officer: “How high are you?” Stoner: “No officer, it’s “Hi, How are you?”

I love Pandas, they’re so chill. They’re like “Dude, racism is stupid. I’m White, Black,
and Asian…..”

Don’t spell part backwards. It’s a trap.

I have a few jokes about unemployed people but it doesn’t matter none of them work.

I’d tell you a chemistry joke but I know I wouldn’t get a reaction.

What do you call the security outside of a Samsung Store? A: Guardians of the

I wasn’t originally going to get a brain transplant, but then I changed my mind.

A friend of mine tried to annoy me with bird puns, but I soon realized that toucan
play at that game.

I’m emotionally constipated. I haven’t given a shit in days.

When I get naked in the bathroom, the shower usually gets turned on.

I hate insects’ puns, they really bug me.

Did you hear about the Italian chef with a terminal illness? He pastaway.

Why don’t cannibals eat clowns? They taste funny.

I’m taking part in a stair climbing competition. Guess I better step up my game.

I was going to give him a nasty look, but he already had one.

Why did the bee get married? Because he found his honey.

I am so poor I can’t even pay attention.

My English teacher recently recovered from a bowel cancer operation… and he
tried to show me a semi colon.

My Jamaican Nan wants to know why I love chocolate spread so much, but mi

What’s the difference between a hippo and a zippo? One is really heavy and the
other is a little lighter.

I’ve got a joke about a fat badger, but I couldn’t fit it into my set.

My little brother is so obsessed with 80s computers. I reckon he’s autistic…or at
least somewhere on the spectrum.

I saw a sports car being driven by a scantily clad sheep. It was a lamb bikini.

I bought an impressionist painting of some flowers, but when I got back home the
cat scratched it. Now I’m trying to sell it as a Clawed Monet.

I sent a food parcel to my former wife. Fed Ex.

David Bowie’s favourite chocolate? Revel Revel.

Life is like a box of chocolates. Made of leather and zipped around your head. Or
so says Forrest Gimp.

What wrestler steals your pants? The Undie Taker.

There’s a video game for people who really love the former Indian leader. Ghandi
Crush Saga.

I know a baker who uses a gardening tool, he’s raking in the dough.

I bought my girlfriend some Slinky underwear, now she keeps falling down the

I Photoshopped a terrorist with a black and white comedy star, I call them Laurel
and Ji-Hardy.

The late soul singer Marvin Gaye used to keep a sheep in his vineyard. He herd it
through the grapevine.

Prince Charles likes to take his iPad with him when he goes to the toilet, because
he takes his Air to the throne.

The Queen is really angry that her chair is made of Jelly. She’s throne a wobbly.

If a pigeon was a rebel, what would it do? It would start a coo.

If a cow could be any other animal, what would it be? A mooooose.

What did the two deer do when they fell in love? They started to fawn over one

What does a bed do when making a shady contract or deal? It uses blanket terms.

Why didn’t the bike go to work? It was two-tired.

What is a turtle’s favorite kind of pasta? Turtlellini.

Why was the computer dating the keyboard? He had a certain type.

How did the pair of glasses plead not guilty? He said he was framed.

When the sheep ate some bad hay, what did she say? Ewe.

How did the pillow avoid jail time? He had a strong case.

What happened when the foot lost the race? Defeat.

What did the coat say to vest when they were stealing a necklace? Jacket.

What is a fence’s favorite band? Linkin Park.

How did the chickens get in a fight? They egged each other on.

Where does the snowman put his money? The snowbank.

What did the dock say to the other dock? I’m board.

What would a wolf get arrested for? Mooning.

I farted in an Apple store today and everyone yelled at me. It’s not my fault they
don’t have Windows.

eBay is so useless. I tried to look up lighters and all they had was 13,749 matches.

My boss told me to have a good day. So I went home.

I was always told to reach high in life. This why I keep the cocaine on the top

Can’t believe they fired me from the clock factory after all the extra hours I put in.

I got into a fight with my boner this morning. Don’t worry, I beat it single handedly

Just back from the zoo. Saw a slice of toast lying in one of the enclosures. It was
bread in captivity.

My bank balance is like a midget in a marathon. It’s running a little short.

I don’t know if my ceiling is THE best ceiling, but it’s definitely up there.

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