Stupid Puns

Stupid puns are way funny, here is the funniest collection of stupid puns.

Stupid puns

I think my neighbor is stalking me as she’s been googling my name on her computer. I saw it through my telescope last night.

I’m not saying I hate you, but I would unplug your life support to charge my phone. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

Thanks for explaining the word “many” to me, it means a lot.

I hate people who use big words just to make themselves look perspicacious.

Dear Couples Who Fight In Public, stop trying to whisper and would it kill you to include some backstory.

Woke up on the ground last night, must have fell asleep.

I was going to look for my missing watch, but I could never find the time.

Accidentally pooped my pants in the elevator. I’m taking this shit to a whole new level. Wise people think all they say, fools say all they think.

If you’ve been thinking about singing karaoke with a friend, jut duet!

Jokes with punch lines can be painfully funny.

I make apocalypse jokes like there’s no tomorrow.

The bomb did not want to go off, so it refused.

Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool, so I gave him a glass of water.

No matter how hard you push the envelope it will still be stationery.

I can’t count how many times I failed maths at school.

If at first you don’t succeed then skydiving is not for you.

Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn’t much, but the reception was excellent.

A set of jumper cables walk into a bar. The bartender says, ‘I’ll serve you, but don’t start anything.’

Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm, and says: ‘A beer please, and one for the road.’

There are more after the jump – but seriously, they don’t get any better.

Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: ‘Does this taste funny to you?’

‘Doc, I can’t stop singing ‘The Green, Green Grass of Home.’ ‘That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome.’
‘Is it common ?’
‘Well, It’s Not Unusual.’

Two cows are standing next to each other in a field.

Daisy says to Dolly, ‘I was artificially inseminated this morning.’

‘I don’t believe you,’ says Dolly. ‘It’s true; no bull!’ exclaims Daisy.

An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either. Deja Moo: The feeling that you’ve heard this bull before.

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldn’t find any.

A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident.

He shouted, ‘Doctor, doctor, I can’t feel my legs!’

The doctor replied, ‘I know you can’t – I’ve cut off your arms!’

I went to a seafood disco last week…and pulled a mussel. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says, ‘Dam!’

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were a bit cold, so they lit a fire in the craft. It sank, proving once again that you can’t have your kayak and heat it too.

A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories.

After about an hour, the manager came out of the office, and asked them to disperse. ‘But why,’ they asked, as they moved off.

‘Because,’ he said, ‘I can’t stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer.’

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