I think my neighbor is stalking me as she’s been googling my name on her computer. I saw it through my telescope last night.

I’m not saying I hate you, but I would unplug your life support to charge my phone. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

Thanks for explaining the word “many” to me, it means a lot.

I hate people who use big words just to make themselves look perspicacious.

Dear Couples Who Fight In Public, stop trying to whisper and would it kill you to include some backstory.

Woke up on the ground last night, must have fell asleep.

I was going to look for my missing watch, but I could never find the time.

Accidentally pooped my pants in the elevator. I’m taking this shit to a whole new level. Wise people think all they say, fools say all they think.

If you’ve been thinking about singing karaoke with a friend, jut duet!

Jokes with punch lines can be painfully funny.