Everybody wants to save the earth; nobody wants to help Mom do the dishes.

3

This week I’m taping a show full of pregnant moms & surprising them w/ big gifts for Mother’s Day. I hope it doesn’t turn into Labor Day.

3

I finally gave my mom what she really wanted on Mother’s Day. I got married.

3

I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, “Get the hell off my property.”

3

Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself, ‘Lillian, you should have remained a virgin.’

3

The week after Mother’s Day must be like Christmas for therapists.

3

I don’t think I’ll be able to get my Mom what she really wants on Mother’s Day – a doctor for a son-in-law.

3

I called my mother up when they announced the Nobel Prize. She said, “That’s nice — and when are you coming to see me next?”

2

For Mothers Day I got my mom a case of Bud Lite. After all, I’m the reason she drinks.

2

I told my kids on Mother’s Day I wanted to be pampered – so they bought me some diapers.

2