What do you call a cow that just had a baby? DeCALFeinated or A New Moother
When my wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo, I had to put my foot down.
I’m on a whiskey diet. I’ve lost three days already.
“Doctor, I’ve broken my arm in several places” Doctor “Well don’t go to those places.”
A Sandwich walks into a bar, the bartender says “Sorry, we don’t serve food here”
How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it.
If you want a job in the moisturiser industry, the best advice I can give is to apply daily.
What do you call a can of soup that eats other cans of soup? A CANnibal.
Why did the Clydesdale give the pony a glass of water?
Because he was a little horse!
We were getting fast food when the lady at the window said, ‘Any condiments?’ My dad responded, ‘Compliments? You look very nice today!